One Day

One Day I’d like to live in a house with a garden. I’d like it to have space for a library so that my husband can immerse himself in books and those he has penned can have their own pride of place. I’d like a kitchen with space to create delicious dinners and bake fun treats. I’d like a play room for the children and enough rooms so that each child (hopefully 2 or 3) has their own nest and we still have a spare for guests.

My husband I both have a vision of this house. Our images seem to match and we dream of it fairly frequently. But it’s not just the house itself that we want, it’s the lifestyle and choices it represents and that go alongside it hand in hand in our dream.

We’d like the flexibility of work that allows us to raise our children mostly ourselves, encourage them to love learning and give them opportunities to explore. We’d like to welcome people and for them to enjoy being in the moment, to relax, cast off their burdens and feel blessed by our home, our food and our family. We want to practice hospitality, enjoy the seasons in their most basic and beautiful forms and we want to teach our children to do likewise.

I’m often impatient for this house; for this dream. I catch glimpses of it so often but am never able to connect the dots between our lives now and how we get there. But somehow, I trust we will get there, because it’s not just the house, it’s a God-given desire to create a place which others can also call home. A simple and genuine home free of fear and judgement for our children, friends, family and strangers.

So until then, I must simply learn patience and practice hospitality, enjoying the seasons and creating a warm environment in readiness and preparation for One Day.

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July intentions

I used to be incredibly goal orientated. Truth is, I still am, but with a 2 month old baby, achieving those goals has become increasingly difficult – even the simple ones. I used to get so much done each day, let alone each week or month. I loved the focus and the sense of accomplishment.

Being a Mama has taught me so many new things. Some of those things are:

  • the importance of being in the moment,
  • that small, simple tasks can be a real achievement and
  • that getting everything ticked off a list can’t be the source of my satisfaction.

June is half way through and we’re off on holiday next week so I’m looking ahead to July to some simple things that I’d like to do that are almost entirely centred on wellbeing:

  • Drink 2 litres of water a day (with this bottle which makes drinking water surprisingly enjoyable!)
  • Successfully plan friend’s hen do
  • Do a Quiet Time every day, no matter how short
  • Start a new book
  • Consciously look for ways to serve others
  • Review 6 month New Year goals
  • Start Tae Bo
  • Keep up to speed with CBT course
  • Invite someone round for dinner and plan a really fun meal that gets me back in the kitchen (including aperitif!)

We will see how it goes!

 

Just living

I am a planner. I set goals. I dedicate time to figuring out what’s next. I look for ways to improve on my faults and maximise on my strengths. I organise, I walk with purpose and I am deliberate in where I want to go.

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these traits but this year is a year of ‘wait and see.’ My husband and I have no plans, no set targets. We have things we would like to happen and we are working on but we’re not revolving our lives around those things. We’re not filling our calendar and we’re not constantly looking into the future.

The inevitable result is that we’re far more in the present. We are enjoying the moment, embracing the things that we love and simply seeing what happens.

In a sense, we are letting go. We’re giving our plans up to God and seeing where we end up. I’m still aware of things I want to work on in myself but I’m also excited to see what the next few months hold.

Already I’ve been prompted to focus on creativity, on enjoying the things of this world that simply exist to give us joy and evoke a sense of possibility that is hard to stumble across otherwise. We’ve been steered as a couple into looking at prayer; why, what and how we pray. Right now, those two things are completely monopolising my thoughts and as I mull them over, I begin to see more opportunities to practice what I’m learning.

I miss having a specific purpose that I’m working towards but I have to admit, it is invigorating just living and seeing what life will bring our way.

So for this year at least, that is my new system for measuring goals. I want to see what we end up doing, whether we have embraced creativity, pursued what God has for us and discovered more about who we are and what brings us joy. I want to make sure I don’t waste my time on social media or overwhelm my time by forcing my schedule to fit in too many things. Instead I want to spend time with God, invest in relationships and use my time to appreciate the beauty and goodness that this world offers. I want to enjoy life’s simple pleasures, accept but not dwell on the frustrations and disappointments that arrive and develop a perspective bigger than what I can see. I want to experience new things, make the most of where I’m at and trust that by relinquishing control of what’s next, whatever comes will be exciting, challenging and satisfying.

Aloha 2016

2015 watercolour

It was a project I started unintentionally in January with the aim of using my watercolour set to capture what that first month of 2015 meant to me. Somehow it continued through 12 months of ups and downs – small catchphrases that summed up 4 week interludes; brief snapshots of an unfolding story.

2015 has been better than 2014 – not that that was difficult. If I’m honest, it was a little bland overall. Nothing huge changed, I achieved quite a few of the things I aimed to achieve but I started out at such a low point that I didn’t really have time to make sense of anything or plan.

It’s been a middling year; a season in which the primary aim was for time to pass and wounds to heal. Sometimes, time just has to take its course without my plans or expectations getting in its way. 2015 carved its own course with little steering or focus from me and on reflection, that has set me up well for 2016.

If nothing else, 2015 has taught me how to relinquish some control over the direction of my life. It has taught me to live each day as it comes – not that I have mastered that quite yet(!) – and it has taught me that time brings with it its own challenges and hidden delights. Like a stream that picks up, carries and deposits the pebbles and debris it encounters, time continues to flow no matter what you try to do to stop or divert it, accommodating whatever life moments it stumbles across.

My aim for this month was to Look Up and Anticipate 2016 and I definitely enjoyed this time. I celebrated with friends and family in lots of ways from parties to carol singing to ice skating. I also read and re-read the Christmas story, which means so much more than the revelry, and I’ve given myself time to ponder the coming year so that the joy of anticipation isn’t lost in fairly lights and Lebkuchen.

I’m not expecting huge things from 2016 other than what the passing of time naturally presents – and I think I’m ok with that. I want to bake more, I want to have more time to myself, I want to read more and I want to move more towards that wonderful Hawaiian lifestyle we were privileged to experience in March. Here’s to hoping that the islands who gave birth to my name will pervade in 2016 with hellos, goodbyes, love and hospitality: Aloha 2016.

Dreaming at 29

I turn 30 next year and it has suddenly dawned on me why age has mattered so much to me. When I was in my teens I dreaded having a teenager myself, not because I was so unruly as a teen (I hope!) but because I thought I would be jealous of their youth and the life moments they had yet to experience.

But it has only just dawned on me that it has never been their age and experiences in and of themselves that I would be jealous of – I know and am happier with myself now than I ever have been and I don’t particular want to re-live ‘growing up’. It is the naive dreaming and the world lying in front of them and the NEW experiences that I realised I never wanted to lose. The joy in this realisation is that while you can’t stop time from passing, you CAN keep dreaming and having new experiences!

So I’m starting now. Before I even turn 30. Because it’s never too late to start dreaming again.

November reflections / December hopes

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November was a month of sadness, of deep prayer and of reflection on life as we mourned the loss of our wonderful Oma. She is with her Saviour so we are assured that she is experiencing a peace we can only imagine, so through our grief we can learn how to take what she meant to us and continue to live out her legacy.

Above all, that’s what I want to remember this Christmas month. That I have an incredible heritage of faith and love and I want that to remain a strong part of who I am.

>Reflections<

Get on top of work.  I may not have had two plane journeys but I have had time to prepare for what’s next at work. My brain is starting to untangle and that leaves me close to being able to let out the breath I’ve been holding for six months, for which I’m very thankful.

Finish my book. Many long train journeys helped me complete this and I loved the escape. I’ve even downloaded some more books as I remember how much it relaxes me to read!

Bake. I baked once, so technically achieved this. Christmas requires some kitchen adventures though so more of this to come I hope.

>Hopes<

Look up. Christmas is all around us. I want to stop watching my feet and look up, both at the crisp weather, the sparkle and the joy around me, as well as the Saviour whose birth we remember. I want to read and reflect on his birth and take time to grasp why we have the hope that we have.

Anticipate 2016. Anticipation is underrated. There is excitement, possibility, adventure and fulfilment bundled up in this package of looking ahead. It’s not always realised, but I love to plan, to think about where we’re going and walk into the New Year with my husband and my hopes aligned.

That’s it. December is about being in the moment and anticipating the joy of a New Year. I will also be considering a different way of setting myself goals that really capture things I want to change or keep on track of, for my own well-being and the contentment of those I love.

October reflections / November hopes

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As predicted, October wasn’t forthcoming with time off. But it was productive enough that, once work calms down, the next couple of months may be less frantic. I recognise that I constantly write about being busy and hoping for a little time to pause and recover but my life seems to run in peaks and troughs of busy. I do love the energy and cyclical nature of this type of life. Just like I love the familiarity and capricious character of the seasons. Let’s see if October afforded the meeting of some goals in there somewhere too…

>Reflections<

Go for Autumn walks in new places. We spent some time at our favourite national trust site this month and the wedding was at a beautiful autumnal estate but I didn’t get as many walks as I wanted. There was just so much planned! We’ve learned our lesson and blocked out lots of weekends next October already!

Get the flat painted (except maybe the bedrooms) and clean again! We even managed the bedrooms! It feels so good to have a home that is ‘us’. We hadn’t even realised how much we’d settled for a half way house between owning our own place but accepting wall colours, picture hook positions, kitchen styles and even furniture to some extent as though we were renting. It’s finally ours!

Be in the moment for birthdays. This we did and I was thankful for it. Family and friends are good for the soul.

>Hopes<

Get on top of work.  I’ll have two plane journeys and some evenings to plan. I want to stop feeling like I only have time to react and start stealing back some time to be pro-active. I really want this to be under control by Christmas. The peak will be over so I want to push forward to gain back some work/life balance. To do that, I need to plan.

Finish my book. It’s fairly easy going and should let my brain switch off a bit. It will also hopefully help me feel like I have a little more time to myself.

Bake. Simple goal. Just one thing. I love cake. If I can push through the work demands I should have time for this simple pleasure!

Christmas will soon be here and I want to prepare wisely so that we can enjoy every moment. That means starting now to get rid of the demands and the headaches and free up some space for life.

Trusting in…

I’ve entered a season in my life that is completely new to me by one definition alone: I don’t know what’s next. I have always had ambitions, aims, goals and planned paths to help me get to where I wanted to go but I find myself in the slightly baffling position of having achieved what I wanted to by this age. In one sense, that is an incredible blessing but in another sense it leaves me feeling a little lost.

So I ask – what’s next? I have no defined journey to work towards and no comfort from knowing where I’m going because I’m there. I got to my destination. I had never really considered much past this point.

I’m living life without knowing: without knowing where I’m going, what’s next, how I’m going to get there or how I’m going to feel like I’m still achieving and learning new things. I’m not trusting in my own ability to get somewhere nor am I trusting in time to work in my favour, which leaves me trusting in the only one who knows what’s next for me: God.

It’s probably a good place to be because in my ‘not knowing’ I am left with no choice but to place my life in His hands. I have no clue what I’m stepping into so I’m thankful that I have someone walking alongside me. I am hoping that I learn how to live life without knowing in a way that is fulfilling and I am also hoping that as and when a little direction comes my way, I don’t forget how to take each step in faith.

September reflections / October hopes

P1030510 (2)September was all about the kitchen really. And the arrival of Autumn. The kitchen was almost completely faff-free and we love the result. We’re even starting to cook together because we can stand side by side and chop/stir without treading on one another!

I don’t think September gave me much time to be still at all. We had wonderful friends who fed us almost every night so that we didn’t have to rely on takeaway whilst kitchen-less, but that did mean it was very busy and very extroverted. The introvert in me is crying out for a few days of nothing. Not quite sure October will offer that but I have a few hopes nonetheless.

>Reflections<

Don’t get too frustrated while the new kitchen is installed. This actually happened. I spent a lot of time preparing myself for the fact that the flat would be a mess and I wouldn’t be able to find anything for a few weeks and as a result, the whole situation felt fairly calm! We now have decorators in so the dust sheets haven’t been put away quite yet. A few more weeks and we’ll be there!

Spend less money. This pretty much happened. We didn’t go over budget, despite the kitchen and need for takeaways. I’d really like to continue this for a few months, especially in the run up to Christmas when I’m sure we’ll enjoy the freedom of spending a bit of money on lovely gifts for the people we love! (If you hate people talking about Christmas in October, perhaps just ignore that last sentence…)

Spend more time with family. Without even trying, this happened. I spent an evening curled up with my mum and sister watching the Great British Bake Off and I spent a very very wonderful weekend away with my sister and got to spend quality time with her – no distractions. The weekend actually happened at the beginning of October but seeing as I’m late in writing my reflections and hopes this month, it totally counts!

Spend less time watching TV. This hasn’t actually been too difficult as the television was under a dust sheet for most of the month! I added rugby to the list of OK television as it’s the Rugby World Cup and not watching rugby was just not going to happen!

>Hopes<

Go for Autumn walks in new places. The leaves are changing colour and I want to take in every crisp breath of this perfect season. I’d like to go for walks in new parks and places and make the most of being outdoors – even if it’s raining!

Get the flat painted (except maybe the bedrooms) and clean again! A month (ish) of dust sheets are taking their toll on our flat. I really want to get the decorating finished and give the whole flat a good clean to get rid of some of the dust. This would include steam cleaning the carpets, although that might be too ambitious…

Be in the moment for birthdays. One of my best friends turns 30 this month and it’s also my sister’s birthday. They both have things planned and I want to take those opportunities to forget the overwhelm of work/life and be present in those times with friends and family. I just want to relax and enjoy them for what they are, no more, no less.

That’s it for this month. I’m loving the darker evenings and cooler weather – the rain and wind give me the perfect excuse to enjoy indoor things alongside the joy of dusk air and beautiful crisp walks. I hope October will let me enjoy both.

August reflections / September hopes

P1030262bAugust gifted us a wonderful 10 days away from work. It was time with family and with my husband and it also gave me some much needed headspace. We succeeded in making a few meals without a recipe whilst on holiday and will hopefully do more of that once we have our new kitchen, which will have a dishwasher!

The kitchen will probably monopolise much of September and that’s ok; we’ve been waiting for it long enough! But life goes on around that and I hope September will continue to make room for time to ponder and be still.

>Reflections<

Stargaze and re-visit my 2015 year aims. I think sitting on a cabin, by a fire, watching the sunset, listening to owls and watching the stars counts 🙂 so good to see some stars but still looking forward to a really dark night’s sky without any light pollution again one day. Also re-visited my 2015 year aims and I’m pretty much on track… with a few things still to work on!

Take time off! Done. Much needed. Would love more of it. Who wouldn’t?

Go on Facebook less. Without FB on my phone, I go on it far less. Went for over a week without so much as a glance and didn’t miss it at all!

Go on more post-dinner walks. Definitely did this on holiday but could still do more of it. Especially as Autumn is arriving, that fresh Autumn air is so great in the early evening!

Sort out my wardrobe. Getting there on this too. Bought lots of new trousers which may not seem like much but for someone who is almost 6ft2, getting trousers that fit is a great way to start the re-planning of a wardrobe! Especially a work wardrobe. Will keep at this one slowly. Aware that I don’t want to spend lots of money all in one go!

Pamper myself. Massage and pedicure most definitely achieved. Not quite on the haircut but I’ll book that soon…

>Hopes<

September officially marks the start of my favourite season so I’d like to make the most of that and all that it brings. That kind of goes without saying, so there are also a few specific things I hope for September.

Don’t get too frustrated while the new kitchen is installed. A new kitchen is likely to bring with it frustrations: unexpected costs, strangers in our home, dust everywhere, not much space for quiet, unplanned meals… I’d like not to let it get to me. I’d prefer to look at it from the point of view that we are incredible blessed to be able to afford a brand new kitchen and look forward to using it in the near future.

Spend less money. August was an expensive month what with the holiday and buying new clothes and with a huge amount of money flying out of our account and into a new kitchen this coming month, I’d like to go back to a little restraint in my spending! Besides, every time I consciously try to spend less, I always end up valuing the little things so much more.

Spend more time with family. I’m realising more and more, recently, how much I love spending time with my family. It relaxes me, it’s familiar, it’s a comforting environment away from home, it reminds me of what really matters. I’d like more of that.

Spend less time watching TV. Exclusions to this include: The Great British Bake Off and Strictly. We don’t actually watch much other live TV but we do spend a lot of time watching box sets. Having finished all seasons of The West Wing for a second time, we’ve moved onto House. It’s amazing how many evenings get sucked into multiple episodes and I find my time and my evenings drifting by much faster than I’d like.

Plus I’d like to continue making a meal without a recipe with my hubby this month! I’m secretly looking forward to a few more rainy evenings and an excuse to be an introvert and stay in my cosy home. I love the summer sunshine but I can’t help but love it when the Autumn air brings with it time and expectation.